hey ppls.

I will be making my posts friends only from now on.

its a long story, and ppl will find out why eventually. But I would appreciate it if you didnt show my posts to anyone, including Kerryn. Its a protection thing.

Someone is using livejournal to abuse me. And they are making the address public of the account on IRC.

This is a sample of what he sent today.

“O man .. why is it everytime I see this bitch online .. I just want to stab IT in the head with a fucking pickaxe. What a pity that is illegal.”

and Kerryn is listed on his friends list.

So :-/

I thought it was time to remind myself about the new years resolutions.

1. To be a better person

Has this happened? I think I have made a few life changing decisions. All tothe benefit of myself, mark and my friends.

2. to be better organised

Yeah right. I need a calendar please. I keep double and triple booking myself for things.

3. Lose more weight

I am still trying.
4. Think twice before speaking

Oh yes.. definitely. SO much so it hurts and I get headaches from clenching my teeth, and I have exercised the delete key more than once.

5. To try and figger out what I want from my life.

That is not happening anytime soon.

6. To be a better friend

Its up to my friends to decide that I guess. From my point of view, I could do alot better.

7. To be a better Sister/Child/Lover

LOL.. no comment.

8. To be honest with myself

Sometimes I hate myself. Other times I dont care. I need to work on it.

hmmm

Morning ppls I have slept, and slept well.

I have now got my second hard drive in, and that has made a difference to the whole performance of my machine.. now I have lots of swap space for the programs, now all I need is more RAM.

What is the true value of friendship? I had some lovely friends love me this week when I was really down and I thank them for that. However others I have seen are experiencing the negative side of friendship and experiencing the disappointment of when friends turn their backs. Iguess in a way, friendship is a cycle, sometimes you pick up life long friends, but mostly, ppl come into your life at a time when they are needed, and move on when the time is past. We share moments in time together, I think we should cherish these. I know I do, when I think back on some of the friends I made and their contribution to my existence. Maybe how they have made a positive impact on my life, and maybe me on theirs.

There are negative aspect of friendship.. you get the users, the ones that drain your energy, your time - but even they have a purpose, we take life lessons from such friendships. How to be a stronger person, how to say no, how to accept eing disappointed with good grace.

I guess when I was raving about fairweather friends, I am being unfair, cos some ppl cant cope with aspects of friendship that may require committment that they are not willing to give. Its not my place to condemn (shrug)

(gets off the soapbox)

Ok.. if you guys wanna try something different, see if you can get hold of Eva Cassidy MP3s or CDs. She died this year at the age of 33 of skin cancer. She was uniquely gifted, and had the most awesome voice. She primarly sang Jazz and blues, but also got into a little swing aswell.

The sad part of her story, was that she was a cult figure in her city, but was never signed to a record label. Then she was discovered, and 6 months before her death, signed to a record label. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 months later, and continued to sing at bars and clubs until about a week before her death. Other artists including Eric Clapton when they heard her recordings wanted to get together with her, but of course she was dead.

Ironic really, now she is dead, her music is now widely known and extremely popular. As with Jeff Buckley, only the good die young.

Yawns

I am not me.

somewhere over the last few weeks, I have become a bucket of hormones. I am starting to withdraw a little, cos its easier to deal with on one level. So apologies to ppl about my absence around certain things, including conversations, channels and social events.

It doesnt help tho, when I have genuine issues, and then I am told I am paranoid. Sometimes, I guess it cuts a little deeply cos I think, is it me, or is it real.

Last week, I woke up, and I hated the world, and I mean hated. I sped to work, I did not smile once, I bitched and grumped. thank goodness I work with friends, and that she is going through what I am. So she understands.

This week I am arranging to get blood tests done, primarily to confirm something I have known for years. But have been too afraid to have it confirmed. It also means, that there is a reduced chance of me ever having kids.

Hmm how about me telling mum. Well, fat lot of good that did. My mother has the compassion of a dried up creek bed. Oh, I was always healthy, and never had your problems, which by the way, if you did what I do, you would probably find you will have no problems. Yeah ok mum, so its my imagination about my symptoms. fuck that. Do I really have to pretend to be happy about mother's day? I think possibly the worst thing ever said by mum to me was said last Thursday, “I cannot relate at all to what you mean Loretta, so no, I cant empathise or feel compassion.” Hello, I am your daughter, feel something for me please.

I guess in a way, I cant cope anymore. A self destructive streak has emerged, and when I get in one of those moods, I become not me. I rage, I cry, or I become too happy. I have even tried to break it off with mark. I am also depressed.

I guess its easier to write this in here than explain it, several times to dissinterested ppl, or pretend friends that may or may not care, depending on how difficult their lives are. Its much easier to let go of a friendship which was based on nothing but air anyways. Recently I have discovered hithertoo unknown ppl who dislike me, and I guess they had their reasons, Which are six years out of date, and dont really apply to me anymore. One of you said to me, what goes round comes round. So maybe this is it, hope you are happy Jeff Wilson, aka `Voyager`, not that you can read this.

Well, a girl has to sleep some time, this is as good a time as any.

ok

here is the deal, I have been going to Fast Eddies for 10 years and I savour my time, sitting with a melt in the mouth drool factor 10 Chocolate American Milkshake with Chocky fudge, cream and chocolate.

now guess what, THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE

Now an American milkshake is some crap with choccie and strawberry combination with - and get this SPEARMINT topping.

Am I the only one that objects to this??

What happened with sticking with an old favourite, guaranteed to sell. CHOCOLATE

This Addict then said, gimme an american no strawberry and no spearmint. Could they do that?? NOOOOO.. ok a milkshake with cream.. an EXTRA $1.20 for the dollop of CREAM.

Just cut my arms and bleed me to death on their floor.

I PROTEST

GIVE BACK THE REAL CHOCKIE AMERICAN MILKSHAKE.

and to top it all off, they ran out of their choccie cake.

*stomps off*