welcome to my nitemare
I am not me.
somewhere over the last few weeks, I have become a bucket of hormones. I am starting to withdraw a little, cos its easier to deal with on one level. So apologies to ppl about my absence around certain things, including conversations, channels and social events.
It doesnt help tho, when I have genuine issues, and then I am told I am paranoid. Sometimes, I guess it cuts a little deeply cos I think, is it me, or is it real.
Last week, I woke up, and I hated the world, and I mean hated. I sped to work, I did not smile once, I bitched and grumped. thank goodness I work with friends, and that she is going through what I am. So she understands.
This week I am arranging to get blood tests done, primarily to confirm something I have known for years. But have been too afraid to have it confirmed. It also means, that there is a reduced chance of me ever having kids.
Hmm how about me telling mum. Well, fat lot of good that did. My mother has the compassion of a dried up creek bed. Oh, I was always healthy, and never had your problems, which by the way, if you did what I do, you would probably find you will have no problems. Yeah ok mum, so its my imagination about my symptoms. fuck that. Do I really have to pretend to be happy about mother's day? I think possibly the worst thing ever said by mum to me was said last Thursday, “I cannot relate at all to what you mean Loretta, so no, I cant empathise or feel compassion.” Hello, I am your daughter, feel something for me please.
I guess in a way, I cant cope anymore. A self destructive streak has emerged, and when I get in one of those moods, I become not me. I rage, I cry, or I become too happy. I have even tried to break it off with mark. I am also depressed.
I guess its easier to write this in here than explain it, several times to dissinterested ppl, or pretend friends that may or may not care, depending on how difficult their lives are. Its much easier to let go of a friendship which was based on nothing but air anyways. Recently I have discovered hithertoo unknown ppl who dislike me, and I guess they had their reasons, Which are six years out of date, and dont really apply to me anymore. One of you said to me, what goes round comes round. So maybe this is it, hope you are happy Jeff Wilson, aka `Voyager`, not that you can read this.
Well, a girl has to sleep some time, this is as good a time as any.