What is next?
My life seems to be a fucking disaster at the moment. I seem to lurch from one crisis to another without much of a break in between.
On the way home from work I found I had some voicemail, I sat at some traffic lights in the city waiting for green, and listened to it, only to discover that Mum’s gone to hospital with a serious bowel complaint. Twisted Bowels or something. She’s too sick for surgery since infection has already set in, and she’s being pumped full of antibiotics as we speak. I need to give dad the number for the ops desk at work so he can get in contact with me about things like this. Mum will need surgery to remove a section of her bowel.. but not until the antibiotics deal with the infection.
M further complicated my life by telling me about a discussion he had with a counsellor today. I am going to be sobbing about the phone bill tho. 2 hours on a mobile phone.. “i thought it would be cheaper” not at 37 cents per minute - next time call their landline - costs $2.97 for 2 hours. Back to M. The stuff he’s told me left me devastated - and on top of mum’s health issues.. I don’t know how long I can last for with that great big grin on my face.
I am extremely confused about a whole lot of things. I am relieved that he has let me go, but I mourn for what we have lost. I stopped loving him a long time ago, but I never stopped liking him, or wanting to be his best friend. He stopped talking to me, going out with me, I used to sit on the bed at night and cry wondering why he had abandoned “us”. So I forced myself to not love him anymore. I realise now, that had I tried to keep things going then I would be in 5 or 10 yrs in the same position I am in today.
There’s no one to blame. I want to blame someone. God, or whoever it is, his mum and dad, myself. I should have known. I found some stuff at work for counselling services. It’s free for 5 or 6 visits. I think I’ll make an appointment and take advantage of it. Next stop is telling our friends that we’ve split up. Only 2 ppl in my immediate circle read this blog, and I know they won’t blab.. but the others don’t. I haven’t even thought about the family.. but I think mum and my sister know already. I just don’t think I can tell them why we broke up.. but it’s fair to say, we’re going in different directions.