The change
I changed some things, not everything to do with my blog. Now it’s a plain carcrash(tm) of a blog and not just something that fell off the back of a truck. I made the ying yang picture myself using gimp. I’m not much of a graphic artist - try not at all, but at least it’s mine. I’ll probably design a better one later. What I am wanting to do is to create a space for myself. I got rid of the death counter - so many dead now, i don’t think we’ll ever know the real picture. That should make my right wing friends happy.
I applied for an internal job as a advisor/assistant team leader this week at work. I’ve been filling out the application, which had 3 tough questions.. but the last one was the hardest in a way. Something to the effect of “what is lacking in your current role?”. Good question, and perhaps a bit of a trick question. I don’t think anything is lacking in my current position at all. I love it. It’s full of variety and even if I don’t get it, I will be doing additional training for ADSL support which is something I have been working for, for quite some time.
One of my friends (male) from work asked me out for a coffee last night, and I didn’t think anything of it at first, and then i had a horrible thought. So I saw someone else I am friends with downstairs when work was done and invited her too. We had a lovely chat for a couple of hours and when it was time to go, my friend turned around and asked if I wanted to stay for another coffee, and internally I was going “eeeek” so I smiled and said “no, i have stuff to do tomorrow and I need to go home, eat and sleep” and walked off with my other friend (female). Call me paranoid.. but I just didn’t want to do the lets sit alone with a guy for coffee, I suggest that to my single male friends who wanna ask a chick out as its a nice casual in. I don’t know I’ll be doing that again in a hurry.
Harsh reality bout my home life is starting to make itself known to me. M has pulled away and the void I have been putting off for four years has started seeping into my life. I’ve done a bit of night time tears over the last few nights, and during the day and I wish that I could work all the time so I didn’t have to think about home at all. I need more space. I am reminded of the fear that everyone felt in the Neverending Story - of “the nothing”. It creeps into their world as children of the world stop reading. Well a similar kind of “nothing” I guess I feel is creeping into my world as I watch someone who loves me slowly close himself off to me, and for a while, I had that as a security blanket - but it’s going. And soon there’s one less person in the world that loves me.