It’s getting easier to tell people that M and I have broken up. I feel like I am distributing my grief around a bit.

I spoke to mum and told her everything; I feel much better, and had my first nights sleep without feeling like I was going to die.. since I have been verging on having a panic attack for the last few months - in fact, the oppressive stressed sensations are abating.. and I have compartmentalised the grief.. and a cry every so often makes me feel better and better.

I told P and T about M and I breaking up, and that I want everyone to not be angry, but treat M as they normally do.. No anger or blame to be apportioned anywhere, there’s no one to blame. No one to get angry at, I have to let go of my anger.

And I am excited I have a new future to plan.. more weight to lose, trips to go on, and I don’t even fear being single again. My friend D is so desperate not to be alone.. and right now, I just don’t care. It’s last on my list of things to worry about. Heh. I told T and P that if D opens her mouth one more time to whinge about her life - I won’t hold back. I like being honest. As I said last night to my other friends, she should try being me and find out how fucked up real life and relationships are.

My life seems to be a fucking disaster at the moment. I seem to lurch from one crisis to another without much of a break in between.

On the way home from work I found I had some voicemail, I sat at some traffic lights in the city waiting for green, and listened to it, only to discover that Mum’s gone to hospital with a serious bowel complaint. Twisted Bowels or something. She’s too sick for surgery since infection has already set in, and she’s being pumped full of antibiotics as we speak. I need to give dad the number for the ops desk at work so he can get in contact with me about things like this. Mum will need surgery to remove a section of her bowel.. but not until the antibiotics deal with the infection.

M further complicated my life by telling me about a discussion he had with a counsellor today. I am going to be sobbing about the phone bill tho. 2 hours on a mobile phone.. “i thought it would be cheaper” not at 37 cents per minute - next time call their landline - costs $2.97 for 2 hours. Back to M. The stuff he’s told me left me devastated - and on top of mum’s health issues.. I don’t know how long I can last for with that great big grin on my face.

I am extremely confused about a whole lot of things. I am relieved that he has let me go, but I mourn for what we have lost. I stopped loving him a long time ago, but I never stopped liking him, or wanting to be his best friend. He stopped talking to me, going out with me, I used to sit on the bed at night and cry wondering why he had abandoned “us”. So I forced myself to not love him anymore. I realise now, that had I tried to keep things going then I would be in 5 or 10 yrs in the same position I am in today.

There’s no one to blame. I want to blame someone. God, or whoever it is, his mum and dad, myself. I should have known. I found some stuff at work for counselling services. It’s free for 5 or 6 visits. I think I’ll make an appointment and take advantage of it. Next stop is telling our friends that we’ve split up. Only 2 ppl in my immediate circle read this blog, and I know they won’t blab.. but the others don’t. I haven’t even thought about the family.. but I think mum and my sister know already. I just don’t think I can tell them why we broke up.. but it’s fair to say, we’re going in different directions.

So

It’s official now. No need for silence - M told me that he didn’t think we should continue at all and had come to the same conclusion I had, and that enough was enough. He’s letting me go and he’ll do whatever he needs to resolve his situation. I’ve cried alot.. I have kept alot of this bottled up. Anger, rage and sorrow over the last 2 years is gone. I am feeling excited, nervous, stressed, sleepless, and strong.

I thought I’d have more to write, but I don’t.

res�o�lu�tion Audio pronunciation of “resolution” ( P ) Pronunciation Key (rz-lshn)
n.

1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.
2. A resolving to do something.
3. A course of action determined or decided on.

What is Lori going to do this year. What is she going to achieve?

2005 is going to be a watershed in my life.

I will be going boldly where no woman in my family has gone before since obviously the older generation left the shores of the old country in their efforts to migrate to a better land with better opportunities. Whilst the daughter of said immigrants seeks to make her way back to the old country to discover her roots, to find out what life is about and to live it.

Second one is an oldie but a goodie, started on Jan 28; 2003 when Gran passed away - lose weight and become healthy. I am 2/3rds there. It’s taken me 2 yrs to get this far, and really I guess I am discovering more about myself each day I achieve each milestone.

Third: What have I learnt in the last year? I have learnt that personal goals are more powerful than professional ones. A personal goal is what defines your character. Setting the professional goals are easy; Personal goals require honesty. With each personal goal that I have achieved, I have been able to take control of my own life, and I can say that I am more confident now, than I was 3 years ago. It has benefits by rubbing off at work - I have achieved far more than I expected when I won some plastic coated pieces of paper for team work and character.

Fourth: Take charge of my destiny. Keep walking forward and taking the chance of something wonderful and accept change, don’t fight it.

Lofty ideals.. but achievable.

So - I stopped blogging for a while. I needed a time out whilst i get my shit together in my head and didn’t wish to have all and sundry viewing it. If you knew me in real life, you’d see the silence as a sign of problems that I have in my own life. I stop communicating in general. I don’t call my parents, I stop going out with friends. I stay isolated in my own world. It’s hard for me to write tonight. I needed to have some music playing which gave me some inspiration or to motivate me into putting some thoughts down in writing.

Will all the issues I’ve had happening for the last few weeks, I have had alot of it put into perspective when the earthquakes and tsunami struct many countries along the indian ocean. My problems, or what I perceived as problems, are nothing. I need to get over them and move on. I have read every day about the terrible loss of life and have elected to support victims by donating what cash I can afford to Unicef.

At the new years party I went to after work, I encountered X, my old boss, who was telling me about a mutual aquaintence - her sister died on christmas day, either murdered or from asthma. Knowing little about the circumstances, but more knowing about the type of person our mutual aquaintence was, I fail to see how an asthma attack may look like murder, and seems to me to be overly dramatic. In comparison, I found the loss of life far more shocking in Indonesia and said so, including the line about not caring bout one person when there are millions suffering north of us. Suffice to say my ex boss was shocked and stunned at how cold and callous I was. I guess she didn’t see me sobbing my heart out when i was watching the news earlier that day.

I have half the money needed for my overseas trip. I can afford to buy a ticket now. I will wait a couple more weeks just to have a few more hundred dollars secured in my visa card before i buy the ticket. I haven’t decided if I am going to make it a permanent move overseas, or a 5week thing, come back, and then go back. Mum figured that M and I aren’t going to be a couple for much longer. I have been trying to deal with the death of my relationship, in it’s final throes before acceptance replaces the grief I feel. I have work, which keeps me busy, but I have been unable to tell any of my close friends due to the promise I made M. I have so much anger and sorrow and regret over the way things have turned out. He left everything too late and his lack of communication killed us.

If anyone reads this and know me on irc, i don’t wish to be spoken to about this. I don’t want sympathy, or hugs or anything which requires me to say, I’m ok. I’m not ok; but this blog is my space to talk about how I feel about it, since right now I can’t talk about anything with my friends. I can use this as a tool to grieve and have fairly impersonal interaction with the people who might wander past. I am busy boxing up my feelings and slotting them away so I can deal with everything in bitesized pieces.

My friends know something is wrong, and will probably be angry when time comes for M and I to tell them about it. I don’t want fingers pointed and blame handed out. He deserves much more than that. M is a good man, and my best friend, and no matter how I feel about 11 years going down the drain, they weren’t wasted. D I spoke to, the night M and I split - and she knew I was unhappy and was quick to pass the gossip around. She was equally as quick to abuse me last night and tell me to butt out of her life - which she shares in graphic detail all the time whenever we’re in a group of ppl. I was so angry with her about alot of things. Her inability to empathise, or keep a confidence I shared with her about my relationship with M, her inability to understand me.

I miss my Granma. I wish she was here to call me her darling girl and make me feel better again.