So..

Looks like I have successfully eradicated the following files from this woman’s computer..

protopro.exe
W32.Spybot.Worm
snapple.exe
sidefind.exe
winole.exe,
TFTP2400
loudc.exe,
lah.exe
jivzhf.exe
Istbar
sidefind[1].exe
istrecover[1].exe
fGCdZb6.exe
Download.Trojan
F:\WINDOWS\system32\.pif
63mm.exe
iinstall.exe
Bloodhound
switch.exe
svhost.exe
winiogon.exe
bait.exe

I am sure there’s more, but I am not sure why she had so many of these adaware things on her computer or how she managed it. I am sure she will find a way to blame M for these things appearing on her system. It’s taken over 10 hours to remove these files and update the system and I found out that she never updated the security patches for Windows98 either. She was one big virus waiting to happen. Once this last couple of things are done, I am done. I go to bed, work, come home and take the stupid machine back to her house.

I am going to move out in just about 6 - 8 weeks time. I need my sanity back.

Today I got a machine from one of M’s workmates in my room, and we needed to troubleshoot it to see why it was unable to access the internet. So I sat down with it in my room, connected the home phone line and did a netstat -a in a dos prompt before dialing up, and saw the usual ports pop up. After the dialup had connected, I did another netstat -a and was horrified to see thousands of ports pop up and scroll for about a minute, all sending out syn packets.

Ok - so now we find out why she she has been complaining about her computer being slow, which resulted in her buying a newer faster computer, and then it was still slow, and she continued to blame M. For three whole weeks she’s been bitching about it. When I took the machine to her place and logged on, her virus updater popped up, but she said “don’t worry about that, I haven’t updated for ages” and now we know WHY she picked up what looks like the SVHOST.exe file used in lovely DDos programs. Her lack of regard for internet security resulted with her machine becoming a zombie.

I even question the guy living next door to her, he’s given her a CD full of programs, how do we know that it’s not something he’s not added? So now I am going to re-format the machine, however, I am going to play with it first and dig out all the viruses she had on that computer, and write them down, and then show her the list. EAT THAT! That will teach you for bitching about M when it was your fucking fault in the first place!!

OK i am over it.

God! I have been so sucked into another woman’s blog, that I couldn’t stop reading it tonight. It was like reading a novel. I am enthralled by her honesty, her ability to show herself at her worst, her analysis of her behaviour, her inability to stand up to the man she is in love with. I couldn’t recommend it highly enough. Read here!

Yay for Labor getting in again! Another four years of chaos but what the hell were people thinking voting no for extending trading hours? HELLOOOO I need computer parts on Sundays sometimes, do you know how hard it is to find a shop open? Being a shift worker is not always conjusive to being able to shop during regular times. Stupid backwards Western Australians!

I am losing count of the long nights that I stay up for and listen to M talk about himself and his problems, which result in me lying on my bed with the covers over my head crying myself to sleep. One part of me doesn’t know why I do it, the affection, the desire for him are no longer there. That’s been taken care of - desire can’t exist when someone no longer wants to be with that person. So I guess it’s the grief and the loss. I deal with most of this by not acknowledging it. That’s a really healthy approach… not.

I’ve stayed with him as a shield against being alone and being single, once again, not fair or healthy, which is why I made the break for freedom just before Christmas. This morning he comes in and tells me that he’s told the first of one of our close friends. They talked about everything, what will happen to him, the things they can do together, places they go, names.. She’s very accepting of it. I think for a moment I hated her. I wanted to be that person. The one who it wasn’t happening to, but had a good friend going through it and I wanted to be the supporting one.

The fucker told me all of this before work, leaving me very little time to get ready, and I went to work looking like a wreck, with wet hair, crumpled clothes and slightly red eyes and a need to scream at idiots on the phone. I refrained from screaming at people, but I did go for a walk at morning tea time, and buy the biggest chocolate muffin they had. I cried when I was eating the muffin, so I threw it in the bin, and went back to work, and spoke to a friend about everything, and cried again. Luckily not too many people noticed. Amazing since it is in a call centre.. or maybe they were being polite.

And talking to him tonight, it’s all about him. I listen to him, and I know it’s important - and it’s all him, but I sit here and hear him talk about suicide rates for people experiencing his difficulties, and still a small voice says “what about me?” I am scared that I will fade away into nothingness. I dont know what I am grieving for. I wonder why I still cry - I used to say I love you everything night to him until I knew that we weren’t going to work out. So three years down the track, I sob after each “chat”

X, my old boss thinks I am just so strong. “poor lori, how is she coping” I am barely keeping it together. I pull myself together before going to work, smile and laugh and help people with pissy problems, go home, if I am lucky, I avoid M. If not, I have to talk to him, hear him talk more about his issues, and cry. I want to move out, but the compassionate person in me knows he can’t afford that, so I stay. I am so moving out when I get back from my trip overseas.

The stress is starting to show on my face, I look tired and my skin is crap, and I am just not taking very good care of myself. I try and keep my friends happy by telling them what they want to hear, and not what they need to. I have lost interest in alot of things of late. I know I am sliding into depression. I don’t know how to stop it. I feel schitzophrenic.

The funniest thing happened to me yesterday at work - I was doing some ADSL troubleshooting for a customer, she had 2 phone lines - plugged the adsl modem into the phone line used for dialup & had been having problems with it connecting.

After a while we managed to get the adsl router/modem to communicate with the computer, and I asked her what number was her ADSL line provisioned on.

“oh that’s easy, my home number 08 XXXX XXXX”
“I see, and what is the phone number for the line you are connected to at the moment?”
“oh umm, 08 XXXX XXYY”
“The ADSL modem is on the wrong line, can you move it across to your main land line?” says I, not realising she’s not using a mobile phone…
“Sure just let me unplug-[click] *beep*beep*beep*beep*”

I eventually stopped laughing enough to call her back on her mobile phone. We eventually figured that her ADSL line has not been provisioned correctly, and she’s too embarrassed to talk about the fact she was on the phone when she pulled it out of the wall.

so like..

i forgot to pay my domain reggo.. problem fixed!

I had lunch with the boss today. I find its interesting that the month I was rewarded for performing great - was the month when I was really upset, depressed and didn’t want to be at home. - sad - Anyways.. so the lunch was interesting. I really need to change my photo for work, it looks disgusting. I saw it up on the display today, I wanted to die!

Not a post which is light and fluffy, but one about relationships. In my now defunct relationship, I always came last. I worked to support my partner in his businesses. When I had a problem he was often too busy to deal with it. I finally let myself have the thought: He’s very selfish. In the end I wouldn’t talk about it, because he was not going to listen to me, or it was too much for him to bear, or he’s too busy - and the most recent excuse was that he had to get his life into order and figure it out and its about all he can deal with right now.

I thought that I was over most of the things he could hurt me with, but apparently no, there’s still more pain to go. This line cut down to the quick. There is nothing I haven’t done for him. I would take him to and from work when he needed, make myself late for work so he could change his electoral details, I would say nothing when his mother was being nasty because it upset him. As walked off into my room after being told that my needs were, once again, unimportant, I realised how selfish he really was and that even if things had worked out, I would never come first.

But despite the fact he told me he didn’t consider it important that his lazy assed brother still leeches from us by leaving his crappy disused car in our garage and it’s been there for 4 years and NEVER left the garage, and that my feelings about it, or that I want it moved he doesn’t care about - I am still going to go to his co-workers house, hand over her computer he fixed, and install some drivers that he forgot to do when he had her computer in the first place.

I should have told him to fuck off.

He came in to find out why I was upset. So I told him.

“no matter what has happened over the years whenever I have had concerns and wanted to talk to you about them, you have never let me. You have cut me off, talked over me, or told me you are too tired or too busy - and it hurts me”

To my satisfaction, he flinched. He acknowledged that he was selfish, but he also said there was nothing he could do about it. He left the room. I still don’t care. Well no I lie - I DO care - but the next person I end up with will have to meet certain criteria.

I must come first. I would move heaven and earth for him, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do, but I must come first - my needs must be met. I don’t know what those are yet, not really, but I’ll figure it out eventually.

So I am getting a bit sharmanish about my life right now. I feel like I am some wizard chick or witch or something repelling the Ant rebels from my room. I carry a can of mortein everywhere I go right now, before I go to bed, and a short burst around my bed creates a circle of protection around me so I can sleep unmolested by Ants. I almost feel that perhaps I need a gas mask to sleep at night, I am sure all these chemicals are bad for me.

They just get everywhere, I don’t know why they like my house, I keep it clean, there’s no food in the bedroom, or bathroom, and the kitchen - everything is sealed.

I watched celebrity overhaul tonight. What a load of whingers. It’s only a detox diet, it’s not the end of the world. I feel like doing a detox diet. I’ll go on one, give myself a headache.. wait, I get those already! And exercise alot. The shocking thing was seeing what a kilo of fat looks like. Ugh. I need to lose some of those - That gave me incentive to try something different with my routine.

Work was ok today, bit slow - and I have noticed that there’s definitely an “in crowd” being in the information team.. the other in crowd is the billing department, they all party in there. There’s like the in jokes, the in comments, the gossip.. my GOD the gossip! I am sure that I would find it a little more salacious if I knew the people they gossip about, but I don’t.. so I don’t care! However I am decided not to do anything to piss these people off. That’s professional suicide.

Call centre ppl don’t really fight that much - however, the ego’s in the information team - there’s lots of “discussions” which end up being heated. I am starting to get the idea that it’s a group of people in a boat with paddles going around in circles cuz they can’t go in one direction. I understand the team leader that will be adopting me, has his work cut out - but I think he’ll be successful.

I need a decent book to read, and I need new glasses, and I gotta buy that ticket soon, and get a passport.. gah.. so many things to do - so little time and money.

I have been listening to JJJ tonight, first time I have heard John Safran on a friday night, and I am used to listening to music - so it was pretty enjoyable. He had a Catholic priest as his guest for about 30 minutes from about 9.30pm? Father Bob, who has his own blog. I was thinking maybe Jus? You wanna have a blog too I know you read me - and it’s interesting to listen to a catholic priest who seems a little more modern and up to date than some of the more prominent conservatives around right now. So for you Jus, and for me, I am going to link to Father Bob’s blog so that I can learn how there are some forward looking priests in the world.