The Angry Dieter

Friendship based on honesty usually go the distance, unless I am disappointed, then I’ll pull away and let them go and grow up. I did that with a friend a few years ago after I failed to turn up to her 19th birthday party. I was instead at my mother’s house learning how to make pea and ham soup and cleaning the house because mum had lost the use of her legs due to a back injury in a car accident. Although I spent the whole weekend away and wrote an apology to my friend, she didn’t forgive me - or she elected not to believe me. I spent weeks trying to get her to forgive me, not understanding why she was angry and then I gave up. This Friday, we’re putting that history aside and going out for a “peace” dinner to I guess make up for lost years, and test the waters again. Another friend is joining us, I guess as a mediator. heh. I am looking forward to it. I have missed being friends with her.

My sister rang me a couple of days ago to cry about her boyfriend, and I sat there and listened dispassionately and i was unable to feel anything at all. I understand how she feels, that she doesn’t feel loved, or get enough affection from him. I don’t have anything inside of me to give to her. I tried, but I have no empathy, no ability to feel - and when I talked to mum about it, she understood. She knows what I am going through and told my sister to back off. I feel like an empty vessel. The void I wrote about is here.

I’m giving up on someone else today aswell. I have my hands tied and so does he. He can’t help being young and dumb. I can’t defend myself either - against something I said, but he doesn’t know the history or background or care. I don’t think however there’s hope, unlike with my other friend, that this is a friendship I’ll ever be able to re-establish. My friendship is given to people and they have it for life or until it has outlived it’s natural term.

There’s only ever been one person that I have despised due to something she did to me when we were 19; Now there is number 2: He’s lied and altho he said he’d be friends, he’s not messaged me, and i have been looking around for him online to talk and he’s not been around (correction: he has been, under a different nick, which I wasn’t aware of until today. I hadn’t seen him on msn either, but since there have been days when I have left MSN on when at work, its possible he’s been online then) - so after I get over the discovery that he’s judged me, I won’t forget.

So I’ve blocked him from contacting me. I’ve ignored him on my irc clients, removed his nicks from my notify list and on msn. I hope he finds out what it’s like to be treated the way I have by him. You are what you think, so after today, I wash negative thoughts from my mind and my life concerning this chapter and moving on. I have alot of healing to do over the next few months as M and I re-establish seperate lives again under the same roof. I have to find the energy to support M as he works out his shit. I can only deal with so much and it’s easier for me emotionally to cut what’s left of my friendship out and leave it to shrivel in the sun and die a natural death. I just don’t have the energy or the will and I won’t care anymore after today.

February 2nd, 2005 | Category: Blogging | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL