Not a post which is light and fluffy, but one about relationships. In my now defunct relationship, I always came last. I worked to support my partner in his businesses. When I had a problem he was often too busy to deal with it. I finally let myself have the thought: He’s very selfish. In the end I wouldn’t talk about it, because he was not going to listen to me, or it was too much for him to bear, or he’s too busy - and the most recent excuse was that he had to get his life into order and figure it out and its about all he can deal with right now.

I thought that I was over most of the things he could hurt me with, but apparently no, there’s still more pain to go. This line cut down to the quick. There is nothing I haven’t done for him. I would take him to and from work when he needed, make myself late for work so he could change his electoral details, I would say nothing when his mother was being nasty because it upset him. As walked off into my room after being told that my needs were, once again, unimportant, I realised how selfish he really was and that even if things had worked out, I would never come first.

But despite the fact he told me he didn’t consider it important that his lazy assed brother still leeches from us by leaving his crappy disused car in our garage and it’s been there for 4 years and NEVER left the garage, and that my feelings about it, or that I want it moved he doesn’t care about - I am still going to go to his co-workers house, hand over her computer he fixed, and install some drivers that he forgot to do when he had her computer in the first place.

I should have told him to fuck off.

He came in to find out why I was upset. So I told him.

“no matter what has happened over the years whenever I have had concerns and wanted to talk to you about them, you have never let me. You have cut me off, talked over me, or told me you are too tired or too busy - and it hurts me”

To my satisfaction, he flinched. He acknowledged that he was selfish, but he also said there was nothing he could do about it. He left the room. I still don’t care. Well no I lie - I DO care - but the next person I end up with will have to meet certain criteria.

I must come first. I would move heaven and earth for him, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do, but I must come first - my needs must be met. I don’t know what those are yet, not really, but I’ll figure it out eventually.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005 at 5:28 pm and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.