I broke a trainee today. I made her cry.

I’ve been helping with training a couple of the trainees who have special needs, ie: learning difficulties, however one of them is an older lady, who just doesn’t get it. Over the last week or so, I have tried spoon feeding her, I have tried the comfort and encouragement - tough love style training was even applied. However it seemed like everything we did she’d forget 10 minutes later, even less.

At work, we have to apply a few bits of federal legislation, Privacy Act, adhering to ACCC guidelines, Fair Trading Act etc - and today, she didn’t do a 5pt ID check, she only checked 3 things, she changed CC details using different card name to the account name, and I finally had enough and pointed out a few facts of life.

Fair enough, we had discussed pushing her to her limit, and seeing what she would do, and I said “i’ll push her” and I pushed hard. After her teabreak, she complained about me to the other girl doing the training. Made up a few things that I didn’t say, emphasised other bits, and said she didn’t want to train with me anymore. She broke down in tears.

So I took on the young bloke and we powered through a whole pile of stuff and taught him new bits and pieces, made him repeat stuff over and over again until he felt confident and he was getting it. I think he’s dyslexic - but he’s very bright, and understands the thought and logic behind each request.

The training co-ordinator then came along and myself and the other training chick spoke to her, explained a few things. The training co-ordinator then spoke to the older trainee, who has decided that she was being unfair on me and will talk to me tomorrow and apologise. The coordinator was like “I know it’s not you lori” and to be honest, maybe I did it so she would break, but we can’t carry her when we’re so short staffed and needing to work overtime to ensure that calls are taken and dealt with!

Deep down, I want this lady to work out, to achieve the best she can and be team member, but I just don’t think it will happen, and it’s a waste of resources when they could be used elsewhere giving support to others.

[family rant]

[insert rant about break up and dealing with it]

Apparently I am causing stress and damage and harm to the family by not telling dad the real reason why M and I broke up.

It’s too hard to tell him why. If I am having trouble dealing with it, how am I supposed to deal with him being upset. I told my sister so she and mum could talk, and now my sister sends me sms’ which put a guilt trip on me for not “being honest” with dad.

Fucking hell. How does she turn my life into something about her? The rest of the SMS was about her stress about not being able to talk about it with dad, and her worry that dad will feel hurt and isolated.

FUCKING TAKE A DAY IN MY LIFE BITCH! AND THEN TALK ABOUT HURT, ISOLATION AND SADNESS

I didn’t want this to be a sad blog, thus outdoing David’s efforts last year, but I need to rant. If I have problems talking to M or my friends, and I was just barely able to tell mum and my sister, how can I be expected to tell dad?

So. I read the SMS and tried to eat dinner, and I started feeling sick and distressed, and got up to try and stop the wave of nausea filling my body and I told M what she wrote, and then I just started bawling my eyes out in the middle of the loungeroom.

M is going to call mum tomorrow, and explain to her that the SMS that my sister sent, whilst well meaning: was ill thought; badly timed and distressed me greatly. He also explained that he will tell dad after I move out, to minimise the stress I am under. I understand they are stressed - sad, upset, but it’s not about them right now. It wasn’t their relationship that broke down and couldn’t be saved, their life thrown into disarray. It was mine.

Yes I am seeking counselling. I am not working next week so I can finish the move and grieve in peace, grieve alone, and not fall apart at work.

It’s the end of a long day, and you settle down after eating dinner, picking up the keys to the new apartment, and think.. “it’s time to blog”.

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*insert loud homer like scream*

I went and picked up the bond from my bank this morning, I wandered up to the ATM and did an account balance and found i was 25 cents short. That’s bloody irritating. Taking all the money out however and walking around the city was nervewracking. I felt like I had a neon sign pointing out BOND MONEY OVER HERE!!!

It turns out the receptionist at the agency is a customer of the company I work for, she asked me some questions regarding her account/contract and I babbled on for a while, signing and reading lease documents and handing over my money. I collected M from home and we went and looked at the apartment, and now that all the junk is out of there, it’s not bad, roomier than I thought, but some stuff that needs to be repaired was obvious when the apartment was empty. However, I can’t complain, it’s a lovely unit.

I lie, I can complain - they haven’t cleaned it up that well. The benches had dirt and grit on them, and candlewax. The vinyl floor hadn’t been washed. The window’s were dirty, and there’s some weird gas/powder cylinder called Fire Powder in the kitchen in a cupboard. The cooktop was grimy and the oven hadn’t been cleaned that well either. On the otherhand, the bathroom was clean, and I need a curtain since i found today that the stairs for the upper floor are next to the window and anyone can peer inside. ALSO there are no common walls! AND there’s a cat that lives upstairs I am happy about that, since M is keeping the cats. I have to come over for access visits

time for bed! hugs to all

No miserable posts today, I am defying David and going to ensure he can keep his most depressing blog of 2004 award as I am not going for the 2005 awards. I’ve worked most of the weekend and got some nice doubletime. What is going to kill me is the tax. *faints*

I haven’t started packing to move yet! I am not taking half the clothes I own since they’re a bit big now.. I will be giving most of them to vinnie de pauls and some to a friend of mine, who reads this blog! So Wifey! That black zipup jacket is yours if you want it.

Hugs to Hugh! I was typing this as you tagged me
I had my QPA today (quarterly performance appraisal), my first appraisal in 6 months.. perhaps we can call it a HYPA, (half year performance appraisal). I received the suitable amount of paper to do with my JD (job description), the QCL (quality call listening) standards, the KPI’s (key performance indicators) AND the QP (quarter promises) choices! Please bring your own acronym dictionary to this meeting and be prepared to listen to your boss talk generically about non specific work related practices (his words not mine).

I love my team leader, he rocks, but the words he uses, either don’t exist, or he uses them in the wrong context entirely which lead me to phase in and out of consciousness when he was talking to me about goals, performances, and questioning my decisions for credit notes. I made my life easier and told him what I needed to improve on. It just cuts down to the facts without the all the froofroo.

After my QPA (I don’t get to do MCS with staff until April yet) He asked me to do some bits and pieces and as I was wandering through printing up bits of paper to stick on files, he asked me “have you worked with anyone like me before?” I wandered past his desk and dropped some paperwork on it. “Yes, i have” “how did you deal with him/them” “I let him make decisions, and then I cleaned up after him” My team leader laughed and decided it was a good time to answer the phone ending that conversation.

I need to comment that for a company that has been praised (by the ACA) for writing external customer care documents for our customers which are in plain readable english, it is amazing that they are unable to do the same for the staff. I had to choose some critical key resposibility and make that my duty to write an action plan to achieve it. I looked at the list, and I am no slouch, my english, business writing skills, are up there with the best - but bugger me! I’m reading it thinking what the hell does that mean??

I chose the scariest looking one. I’ll look it up tomorrow and post what i think it means, because when I stare at it long enough, the words run together into some meaningless drivel. For an experiment pick a word, any word, and repeat it quickly for about 5 minutes and it loses its meaning and just becomes a noise. That’s what these sentences and key responsibilities looked like to me!.

I had to committ to some other promises. I chose easy stuff, policy and procedure changes/ideas on how to do our jobs and internal communication. If they are making me work on something hard, I will need some slack time.

I found a great talking spot tonight when I went to the shops with M. It’s on a top level carpark overlooking cannington/kewdale/welshpool up to kelmscott. We had a huge screaming match today about money, before we realised that someone hadn’t paid M for some work he’s done, and that right now, we have to carry the can for it. I thought he was accusing me of taking it, he thought someone was stealing it, and then thought I was accusing him. After the irrational screaming match both on the phone as I got off work and in the house, we had a look at receipts and banking statements and voila! Sums added up, and there we had it.

Now I wanna nail the bitch to the wall since she’s one of M’s co-workers and the one I spent all that time fixing her virus ridden computer, and she hasn’t fucking paid him for the upgrade. I can count the times M and I have had a fight and screamed at eachother on one hand. We never yell at eachother as a rule, and i think four times in 11 years is pretty good. Twice in 2 weeks at the moment.

My teamleader knows me far too well. We’re friends outside of work, and he took me aside to talk to me about stuff.

“how are ya lori” he asks as we wander down the hall
“just fine thanks” is my standard reply

He leads me into a meeting room and closes the door.

“lori, stop the bullshitting. To alot of people, you’re fine, but to those who know you, that spark in your eye isn’t there. There’s no laughter.” Yipes. He knows he’s got me nailed to the wall on this one.

So I given in. I tell him I am barely coping. That I am afraid of this affecting my work, I am so used to hiding how I really feel, I don’t know what’s normal anymore. I tell him I am seeking some counselling.

“lori, as your boss, I can tell you it’s not affecting your work, but you need to talk more to me about it if you need help”

Nice to know he cares. I left a comment on someone’s blog, that I was jealous of a moment she had when someone she cared for sent her an SMS. It’s the saddest thing right now for me. I don’t want this to be a moany blog, or a bitter blog, or some tragic blog. I’m not getting what I need (affection, hugs, snuggles) and I haven’t for ages, and when I do get something, I cling and squeeze the life out of it until there’s nothing more. I want the real thing. The e-hugs, e-cuddles and kisses however, are a good substitute.

I have set aside a grieving period. One month for every year I was together with him. I should be fully recovered by November this year. I have good and bad weeks. This is definitely a bad week.

I got the lease on the place I applied for near work. My current agent told my new agent not to give the unit to me, because he had the perfect place for me in Redcliffe. Such a nice guy. He was genuinely sad to hear that M and I had broken up. So I have the unit, I pay the bond and 2 weeks in advance, tomorrow and sign the lease. I am happy, but I am so freaking out..

I also called in sick for work. Last couple of days have been really hard for me and I woke up this morning with a migraine. So I stayed up long enough to call work just before 5am, and crashed back in bed. Then it got too hot to sleep, so I sit under the airconditioner in the dark for a while, and finally, the headache starts to fade away. I think I start work at 7am tomorrow. I will have to call in later to check.

For some discussion other than bout me, me, MEEE.. why are they putting the effort to save one woman, in the US where she’s braindamaged so badly she can’t take care of herself? I sure wouldn’t want to live like that.

“Judge Whittemore had made clear at Monday’s hearing that he could issue the emergency order only if he believed the Schindlers would be likely to succeed when the full case was heard in the federal court.

Mrs Schiavo’s parents have argued their daughter responds to them and could improve with treatment, and in recent weeks their campaign to keep her alive was joined by anti-abortion activists and [censored] conservatives who lobbied intensely in Washington to win lawmakers’ support.

Congress interrupted its Easter holiday to pass the Schiavo bill and Bush cut short a brief Texas vacation to sign it. The law allowed the parents to take the case to federal court. “

I find this highly dangerous. A govt ruled by religious conservatives, regardless of which particular brand of religion it may be, is a dangerous government, prone to making short sighted, dubious, dangerous decisions which result in the deaths of millions of people.

I removed the denomination, since really we could apply a tag of any religion, and it would still sound bad.

Who wants to live in a body where you have no ability to take care of yourself, no awareness of who you are, who is around you, no control, no thoughts in your empty brain… It sickens me.

How weird that my sister and I were talking about our family history with domestic violence and alcoholism and then I found out that she moved out and left her boyfriend yesterday, and the reason she did, was because he hit her a few times. The bruise on her leg is very nasty looking where he shoved her into a cabinet.

On Sunday morning said to her, “either get used to it, or fuck off.” So in her words, she “fucked off”. After she told him she was leaving, he reversed his car into hers and put a hole in her radiator. He also tried to get her into additional debt, and put bills in her surname. Luckily, there’s no such person and she won’t have to pay. I feel sorry for Western Power tho.

What makes a man become violent towards a woman? What do they think? What makes anyone violent to a person they are supposed to love and care for? I have to wonder if it’s just one of those things, but how hard is it to find one of nature’s nice guys who respect women?

I applied for the unit in Rivervale and handed over the rest of the application, and I hear from them on Wednesday. I have an offer for a microwave and dryer! *yes!* now all I need is a washing machine and fridge, and that’s all my white goods taken care of. I remember when I first moved out of home, I had nothing and used to wash my clothes in the laundry sink.

I’m almost starting again from scratch. I think if I was materialistic, i’d be quite upset about it. M and I have accumulated alot of stuff together. It’s all over now I guess. weird.

I think it’s odd, that when I am looking to make a fresh start, that my sister and I start talking about family problems, and our own problems and find solutions for them. Mine seem relatively simple. Move out, start again. She’s told me to seek counselling, and I know I have been told to, several times - but I have a thing about appearing weak. I have to make a new start and find myself. That process is well underway.

So today I took my sister with me to look at a couple of places available for rent. I liked one in Rivervale, so I have applied for it. I like this one, and I wasn’t required to pay an “application fee”, which would be turned into the letting fee, if I was successful for another place I viewed on Thursday.

My sister and I then had lunch/coffee at Carousel for a few hours and talked about stuff. I told her why M and I broke up, she told me about her relationship, and I think it’s going no where. After my experience, fuck the waiting, simple question asked of her - “do you see yourself having children with this man” and she shook her head. So there’s her answer. That was how, ultimately I made that decision about M.

I want kids, I think I’d be a great mother. I feel that I don’t want to go through life without leaving a legacy behind. However, I gave up on having kids when I realised M and I weren’t going to make it. I’m 31. My clock is ticking, but I feel that maybe it’s too late for me. If I eventually allow myself to have another relationship, I am not going to push the child thing, by then, it may be too late for me anyway, and I don’t want to be too old, and I don’t want to destroy the relationship.

So my sister and I drove around looking at houses in different suburbs, talking about other issues like parents, work, friends, drugs, alcoholism. She told me she went to AlAnon for a while to understand some things about our family. Mum and her family were beaten and abused physically by their father, who was an alcoholic. All the kids that mum, her sisters and brother had, deal with the effects of a damaged person being our parent.

As gran was dying slowly, the final 12 months of my family life was torrid. One of my aunties nearly had a break down, and all the bottled up rage and hatred came spewing forth at the youngest sibling, fracturing the family. Mum was working hard to be the peacemaker, and Gran was staunchly defending her son whilst she was slipping away. My uncle was never touched by his father, and i think finally the resentment came up into the ugly light of day.

I was angry at mum, for letting her emotional problems get the better of her. I think the latest health crisis she has had, has taught her to slow down, stop the behaviour that’s killing her - and maybe I won’t get the late phone calls where they degenerate into abuse.

I think that’s about all I have to say today.

I went to see Wil Anderson tonight, and we had good seats up the front. He picked on M and made him answer a few questions, and for the rest of the night it passed in a blur amid the sounds of mirth from the audience. I sometimes stopped laughing so I could think about this moment. Thinking was it something I said or did at anytime which turned everything upside down, resulting in the loss of my partner.

The thought of starting again, pains me.

Will was good btw.