soul searching.
I think it’s odd, that when I am looking to make a fresh start, that my sister and I start talking about family problems, and our own problems and find solutions for them. Mine seem relatively simple. Move out, start again. She’s told me to seek counselling, and I know I have been told to, several times - but I have a thing about appearing weak. I have to make a new start and find myself. That process is well underway.
So today I took my sister with me to look at a couple of places available for rent. I liked one in Rivervale, so I have applied for it. I like this one, and I wasn’t required to pay an “application fee”, which would be turned into the letting fee, if I was successful for another place I viewed on Thursday.
My sister and I then had lunch/coffee at Carousel for a few hours and talked about stuff. I told her why M and I broke up, she told me about her relationship, and I think it’s going no where. After my experience, fuck the waiting, simple question asked of her - “do you see yourself having children with this man” and she shook her head. So there’s her answer. That was how, ultimately I made that decision about M.
I want kids, I think I’d be a great mother. I feel that I don’t want to go through life without leaving a legacy behind. However, I gave up on having kids when I realised M and I weren’t going to make it. I’m 31. My clock is ticking, but I feel that maybe it’s too late for me. If I eventually allow myself to have another relationship, I am not going to push the child thing, by then, it may be too late for me anyway, and I don’t want to be too old, and I don’t want to destroy the relationship.
So my sister and I drove around looking at houses in different suburbs, talking about other issues like parents, work, friends, drugs, alcoholism. She told me she went to AlAnon for a while to understand some things about our family. Mum and her family were beaten and abused physically by their father, who was an alcoholic. All the kids that mum, her sisters and brother had, deal with the effects of a damaged person being our parent.
As gran was dying slowly, the final 12 months of my family life was torrid. One of my aunties nearly had a break down, and all the bottled up rage and hatred came spewing forth at the youngest sibling, fracturing the family. Mum was working hard to be the peacemaker, and Gran was staunchly defending her son whilst she was slipping away. My uncle was never touched by his father, and i think finally the resentment came up into the ugly light of day.
I was angry at mum, for letting her emotional problems get the better of her. I think the latest health crisis she has had, has taught her to slow down, stop the behaviour that’s killing her - and maybe I won’t get the late phone calls where they degenerate into abuse.
I think that’s about all I have to say today.