I’ve been doing my best to get through the last few weeks and finalising the relationship with M. The first breakup speech, leading to moving out of rooms, finally to moving out of home has ultimately been extremely stressful. Alot of heartache and pain along the way, and tremendous guilt. I know there’s nothing for me to feel guilty for, but I still care for him, and don’t want him to hurt.

Last week after he rang me, I thought today, I would get a decent sleep, my only day off again this week, and I had a dream.

I was in a competition to slice and gut a fish. I had the fish there in front of me and I sliced it open and gutted it. Spectators walked away and I turned to look at the judge and he said to me, “it’s not dead yet”. I turned to look at it, and stabbed around the heart area turned back to him, and said.. “it’s dead” he shook his head. “No, it’s still not dead yet” I turned back to the fish, and saw that it was M. His stomach and chest showing that he had been gutted, and he looked up at me with a peaceful smile and said “There’s nothing here anymore”

Well that was it for me, I came swimming up from that nightmare crying and sobbing. I couldn’t stop, so I rang a friend at 6.30 in the morning and cried on the phone for an hour. I knew I had to do some grieving, but I’d prefer not to have the nightmares that go with it. I know that it’s not my fault we broke up, I know how hard it is for him, and for me - but I still feel that I am hurting him. For my own peace of mind - I know I have done the right thing. I just wish that we break up with someone and put the hurt away, to melt away somewhere that I don’t have to see or deal with it.

I had gone to bed early last night so that I can get up in the morning and not feel like I have gone a few rounds with someone with a baseball bat. I couldn�t sleep. I heard the couple moving in downstairs, and in the tranquil darkness, I could hear my neighbour who lives above me, playing the piano.

There�s something peaceful about listening to someone trying to play a concerto and their skills aren�t the best. Just hearing them reach each chord with clarity and continuing to practice it into the night, draws me into their web. I could feel the notes drifting down from above and soaking into my being.

I usual lie in bed most nights, since I have moved in here, listening to silence and unable to sleep. I find it ironic that for once, I was in bed unable to sleep because of the music above me. I don�t think I can begrudge this person their moment as they created a peaceful zone around us both.

Only thing that had the potential to spoil the lovely night, was a damn mosquito, which took a few chunks from my wrist. I also gassed myself since I sprayed a protective ozone depleting gaseous barrier around myself and the laptop.

People keep asking me if I am going to apply for jobs going in the business, and I keep having to reply �no�. I�m not interested in applying for other jobs. I have enough to deal with, through a new position at work, worrying about keeping up with �projects� that my TL gives me, like, re-inventing the wheel. Plus still finalising the relationship, I really need to focus on getting things right in home and the one job I have, and perfect both before moving on.

One final thing I have to say tonight, I have to say that I am grateful for one particular friend, who knows just what makes me tick and how to make me smile

I’ve started walking again now that I have moved closer to work, and it’s more of a financial necessity since I have set up the new apartment, and skint *FLAT BROKE* as a result. Last week I walked from home to work, and I took an hour and 15 minutes. Yesterday it was 50 minutes, today walking home took an hour and 5 minutes. So I think I am achieving something. However, I do feel a little inadequate right now when I see the beautiful people in the mornings and late evenings running around the river.

They jog past the glass like water of the Swan River, wearing their Reebok shoes and special designer jogging shorts/hipster trakkies/nike/adidas you name it. Their hair is always looking neat, not a spec out of place. The women have lovely long thin legs which are waxed often by the looks of it, and disturbingly, alot of the men seem to wax their legs too…

Occasionally I’ll see the odd middleaged man puffing his way across the same pathways that I tread and visibly pull themselves up and their stomachs disappear when a young/goodlooking woman breezes past in a whiff of Impulse.

Today I thought I’d pause at the causeway. The sun was setting and the bridge was coloured prettily in orange, a change from the usual sturdy grey of the concrete. I munched an apple I had put aside, knowing I’d need energy to continue walking home, and it was in this moment of quietude that i noticed the spashing and frolicking of many fish. Brim I think, however there were other fish there.. a whole school of them.. flitting around between the rocks and shadows, the water a green/gold colour with the setting sun.

I had five minutes of peace, no healthy cyclists, or puffing blonde women with perfect hair. Just the rush of peakhour traffic clipping over the bridge, and the fish. I contemplated nothing, just stared into the water, losing myself for a moment or two. I wish all my afternoons were like that.

Time for me to post again.

Nothing too interesting happening really, but the man with a limp who lives in 16A may be evicted soon for noise violations. He was playing crowded house so loudly that I ended up sitting on the balcony at 3am listening to it. I went to bed after he finally shut the door, and was woken up by M at 6.45am this morning, who is obviously still upset about our breakup. He wanted to talk about stuff, I think I yelled at him. This was my only day off in a 2 week period since I’ve been working non stop and I wanted an uninterrupted sleep.

I’ve been watching the news about the budget fight between WA and the federal govt. I have no doubt we should just tell the rest of them to bugger off and live off our earnings on mining, and increase development to turn Perth into an IT hub for SouthEastern Asia. We’re close enough to other countries so that it won’t affect us negatively, and we’re less likely to pretend that we’re fake americans.

I also bumped into several of my cousins at carousel shops on Thursday. It’s amazing that it happened at all, considering I only have 7 cousins, and I bumped into 3 of them in one night. I think I saw Frugal Bastard too! Judging from the pics on his website, however - I wasn’t game to ask in case it was him, and what was I going to say? “hey! are you Frugal Bastard?”

Now I am going to be watching a docco called SuperVolcano on channel 2 which looks great!

*disappears*

This post is dedicated to Malcom.

Malcom lives in my apartment complex, I think he lives within a door or two of
me.

Malcom has an upset friend, who is angry not just with Malcom, but with their
mutual friend, Adam.

Malcom’s friend decided to turn up and beat on Malcom’s door at maybe around
3am this morning.

Malcom’s friend then went downstairs to the carpark under Malcom’s apartment
(and mine) and proceeded to scream about..

Betrayal
Love
Loyalty
Malcom’s “woman”
His own woman
Adam (whoever that is)

Malcom is a rat

Malcom doesn’t know the meaning of family

Malcom and Adam were no longer his brothers.

I distinctly remember the words “brother” and “bro” being used, along with
fucking bastard, a *unt, a mother fucker, and a few other choice metaphors.

I stood at the window and listened for a few moments, dozing in between
incoherent outraged screams of Malcom’s friend. I decided that the threats of
murder, rape, bashing, and other such lovely ideas weren’t threatening to me.
I sat on the couch and rested my eyelids for a while before deciding that I
didn’t need to hear the same outrage from Malcom’s friend anymore and went to
bed and as I drifted off to sleep again, I could still hear the screaming blue
language billowing from the driveway/carpark below.

I had an opinion and shared it in a group email address at work, it wasn’t negative, but it did say that the company i worked for needed to be a little more competitive with some of our pricing. Anyways.. I got slammed for it.

Corporate culture sucks. Instead of whinging to my TL, why didn’t the person complaining write back something like - what do you think should be done, what suggestion would you like to make? do you want to follow up on this and submit suggestions for pricing to be considered.. or maybe a reply of management are aware of this issue, thanks for bringing it up, patience!

doesn’t matter i guess. it’s not a permanent record type warning, so i am lucky for now. No more rocking the boat! for now. I discussed it with my TL, and said i didnt think it was negative and bagging out the company - and then i asked him who it was, and he was like “why do you need to know” and I am like “dude, so i can talk to him and get him to understand my intention, what feedback are you going to give him?” and he’s like.. just tell him i dealt with it. I was like.. right, can i suggest you explain to him my motives? Thanks.

So..

I love my new place

I am so tired, and I have committed to going to a party tonight for a friend’s birthday.

*yawns*

I must be insane.

I killed my first spider today! I didn’t scream either! progress!

Yet another sleep in on Day Three.

Tidy kitchen/lounge again
Clean Bathroom and make bed.
Shower and dress.
Sit on balcony and drink coffee.
Put dried washing away.
Put more washing into that infernal machine.
talk to Ex, laptop is fixed!
Watch it rain whilst drinking coffee number two for the day.
Hang washing out to dry.
More washing goes into that damned machine.
Scan unsuccessfully for any wireless network connection to be present.
Pick up computer, test and it works great.
Go home, get ready for going out for dinner.
Eat, drink and Be merry.
Home time!
Connect to the internet!
Sleep.

I think that’s about the summary of my whole week!