Dreams are the windows to the inner mind
I’ve been doing my best to get through the last few weeks and finalising the relationship with M. The first breakup speech, leading to moving out of rooms, finally to moving out of home has ultimately been extremely stressful. Alot of heartache and pain along the way, and tremendous guilt. I know there’s nothing for me to feel guilty for, but I still care for him, and don’t want him to hurt.
Last week after he rang me, I thought today, I would get a decent sleep, my only day off again this week, and I had a dream.
I was in a competition to slice and gut a fish. I had the fish there in front of me and I sliced it open and gutted it. Spectators walked away and I turned to look at the judge and he said to me, “it’s not dead yet”. I turned to look at it, and stabbed around the heart area turned back to him, and said.. “it’s dead” he shook his head. “No, it’s still not dead yet” I turned back to the fish, and saw that it was M. His stomach and chest showing that he had been gutted, and he looked up at me with a peaceful smile and said “There’s nothing here anymore”
Well that was it for me, I came swimming up from that nightmare crying and sobbing. I couldn’t stop, so I rang a friend at 6.30 in the morning and cried on the phone for an hour. I knew I had to do some grieving, but I’d prefer not to have the nightmares that go with it. I know that it’s not my fault we broke up, I know how hard it is for him, and for me - but I still feel that I am hurting him. For my own peace of mind - I know I have done the right thing. I just wish that we break up with someone and put the hurt away, to melt away somewhere that I don’t have to see or deal with it.