I found a website today that has been hawked around for a while, but I never looked at it before until tonight. It’s called PostSecret. The concept behind it is you write your most deepest darkest secret and put it on a postcard that you make, and send it in. I thought I’d go look.

I was reminded of all the stuff I keep bottled up inside when I read the post cards, things about people being molested, their unworthy thoughts, the person who hates saving people’s lives, the woman who was raped and how she felt about it. All the fears and insecurities that humans have which make them unique. I write a quite shallow and vapid blog because I don’t want people finding out about my fears, and hopes for my future and then belittling me for it.

I see some people blogging who cop the flack for their honesty. I just am not one of them yet.

I’ve been pretty low emotionally and physically for a few weeks and went to the doctors again today and got antibiotics for the abcess that I have in my tooth/gum. He said that judging from the toothache going on two weeks, and the steady decline in my health he thought it was a good idea that I take antibiotics as now I have developped a chest infection and he felt I needed to treat it sooner rather than later.

I have resolved no more painkillers. They didn’t work over the weekend, and after the last two weeks I figure I can put up with almost any pain. Mum believes that toothaches are worse than having contractions when giving birth. My mind boggles at that one. I called M last night and cried on the phone to him for an hour before being able to sleep. and I felt much better about it afterwards.

I hate the night when I am sick.

Once again I get off track by talking about me.. (gee it is my blog) but I need to say something else about the postcards blog. I couldn’t help but think, that if Chris had read this site, that maybe, he might not have taken his life and that he’d find hope in what he read. So I guess my thought is, if you know anyone who’s depressed, feeling low, or someone that you care about and just want them to feel better, show them that blog.

I am dreading sleeping tonight, it’s a battle between my need to sleep and my toothache which seemed to be winning the battle over the weekend. I don’t know if I can win the war just yet. Every night is a battle. I went through 18 tablets on the weekend of painkillers and have decided that I won’t need painkillers ever again. I stopped taking pain killers on Sunday after the shocking night sleep I had on Saturday and only took enough to dull a little of the pain. So, no pain killers during the day, and two before bed.

I cleaned my teeth tonight as I usually do and flossed as usual, but paying particular attention to a part of my mouth which has been hurting more. Gross is the word for it as all this crap oozed out and onto the floss. You would think that I have never ever cleaned my teeth with the stuff that I saw. So, the pain has reduced heaps now. I am not going to go to work tomorrow, I am going to the doctors, seeing if I can get antibtiotics and wait out the last of the waiting period before I go to the dentist and get my teeth looked at and fixed. It’s been two weeks for this toothache, and I find it irritating that I signed up for pvt health insurance three weeks ago.

I am also worried about a friend of mine who hasn’t spoken to me today. I sms’d them earlier and there’s been no reply.

I’ll be going to bed soon enough - again.

I think until now I haven’t had any idea about pain until last night. I am hanging out for the compulsory two months waiting period before I go to the dentist (signed up for health insurance). I have six weeks to go. After last night I don’t know how long that will last for. Every time I closed my eyes and lay down, pain surged into my jaw. I couldn’t take anymore painkillers due to the six in 24 hour limit imposed by some health regulators. They obviously haven’t felt what it’s like to have a toothache so bad that you can’t sleep at night and need to sleep sitting up because for some crazy reason, sitting up in bed is the only position that I can sleep in without pain. Weird. If I can’t lie down tonight I am going to lie on the couch sitting up and try to sleep that way.

I went out last night and saw a great movie.. *coughs* Starwars, Revenge of the Sith. I swear I had no idea that Anakin “it’s not fair” Skywalker was going to turn into Darth Vader, that he does the ultimate cliche thing when he is turned into plastic helmet man and finds out that Padme is dead; By standing in the middle of a dark room with the emperor in his cloak in the background laughing evilly as Vader screams out.. “Nooooooooooooooooo ” God. The only good part of the whole movie was the scene at the volcanic planet, where you see Padme’s heart break, Anakin complete his transition into the dark side, and Obiwan’s heart shatter and his belief in Anakin destroyed in that one line.. “You were the chosen one, you were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join with them!”

Here’s a twist, ultimately, he does destroy the Sith, with the help of his son Luke. Where he throws the emporer off into the shaft of the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. Gotta love it.

This round of being ill has knocked me for 6 in more of a mental and emotional way rather than physical. I am finding however that I am experiencing physical manifestions of my stress. It’s not work place stress. I am using work as an excuse to do avoid thinking alot. M and I went to dinner on Thursday and he just ranted and ranted and ranted and I was thinking, I want to go home and cry.

One of the cats was sick so we went up to the Vet surgeon’s to get shots and antibiotics and $84 dollars later, we dropped the wee beasty off and went to have dinner at Carousel. I listened to him rave about his mum, his councillor, his work, his online friends, and his decisions which show to me that he’s made up his mind. Not that my heart was cracking up or breaking, but I think perhaps I really am facing up to the loss of M is more of a reality and I will have to, sooner or later stop seeing him altogether.

I faced up to a few things this week. I’ve been to the doctors and will go back again for a check up and a referral maybe.

I missed out on the lunch due to being sick so I am not special anymore …

I need to slow down I think. I nearly fainted at work. I’ve never fainted before, but I was on the phone to some guy yammering on about his phone account and then all the sudden he got faint, and the world started to zero in and close around me. I felt like I was leaning the wrong way, and I needed to vomit. I stood for a little longer, but the fainting feeling persisted so I sat on the floor whilst he spoke to me. I vaguely remember telling him I would look at his account, I hung up and dropped my head between my knees and started to breathe slowly. I managed to eventually get up off the floor and make it to my desk with another consultant standing behind me saying, “are you ok lori? ”

I’m like.. no.. not really.

I enter notes into the customer’s account, and go to my team leader - and basically say, there’s something wrong, and i need to go home and I did. I was really hot and really cold. I have some virus as I found out when I went to the doctor today - and a mild infection of my eustacian tube.

Never fainted before. Very glad that I didn’t faint at work. That would have been embarrassing.

I’m warm now though, I have a heater. I am happy.

I am doing callbacks to customers who have made complaints and saying sorry alot.

Everything I do I say.. “sorry” “we’re very sorry” “I apologise for the inconvenience” and normally I hate saying sorry. I find that it’s a useless word and should only ever be used if the motive behind it is genuine. For the most part this time, it is. Mistakes were made, accounts were broken and stuffed up and yes, we’re sorry.

I didn’t walk home tonight. Friday’s magnificent effort of 48 minutes walking 5kms and then getting the sore jaw was a bit much. I walked last night, and due to the pain of my jaw, I took 3 neurofen and overslept! I was nearly late for work. I ran to the bus, dodging cars and traffic across a very busy four lane highway.. and the bus driver wasn’t impressed with my efforts and lectured me as I paid for my ticket and found a seat. *sigh*

I skipped breakfast too! I was so flat.

I got the best email from a customer I helped today So all that apologising and I get a warm fuzzy from a man who’s not had email access for 2 weeks. Damn I am good.

OK: Addressing the busy tagboard..

I will be whinging to the agent who leases the flat to me
David - you can be assured that blowjobs for you would never give me a saw jaw
Hugh

My jaw hurts so much right now.

On Friday night I could hardly sleep and kept on waking up in immense pain. Saturday wasn’t so bad, but tonight .. pain again.. the whole side of my face along my jaw and muscle up to my temple on the left side of my face. I should be in bed right now, but it hurts so much and makes me feel sorry for myself.

I have the bloody racing on, the heater on my back, the hot water bottle is in bed warming everything up and I am hating this flat because it is so fucking cold. The front door is out of alignment due to the wood swelling and it takes two hands for me to pull the bloody thing open and pull it shut. Water is seeping across the door when it’s raining and leading to the front door getting waterlogged. So. I don’t know. I have a gap in one of my windows of an inch and i’ve stuffed it full of plastic bags to stop the cold winds getting in here and its about 13 degrees in the flat.

Right now, at the risk of being made fun of, I feel very lonely. Why? Because I am sore, and hurt alot and just want someone to snuggle and make a fuss of me.

If I were to talk about my friend what would i say..

well.. that he doesn’t like talking about himself.

Why? is my question hard to answer? I get frustrated when people I like don’t open up, and I realise that I am the same.. I don’t like talking about myself.

I have been reading someone’s blog from a channel i frequent, and she’s very honest on it and i admire that. Another friend expressed his frustration at watching me shut down and not talk anymore on IRC. I guess with the relationship problems and some former friends and I falling out, it’s hard to be open on a medium which can be edited, or taken out of context. He wanted to know who I was.

[pm] ::me:: but i just don’t have alot of emotional energy anymore
[pm] ::Him:: I know how you feel babe
[pm] ::Him:: I want you to come out of that shell tho
[pm] ::Him:: life is too short for emotion
[pm] ::Him:: experience is the way
[pm] ::Him:: I want you to say I experienced heart break
[pm] ::Him:: and it feels wonderful
[pm] ::Him:: cos you know what
[pm] ::Him:: I’m Lori, commander of people
[pm] ::Him:: and you are
[pm] ::Him:: you command alot of respect and poawh
[pm] ::Him:: and thats omething noonw can take from you
[pm] * me smiles
[pm] ::Him:: true story.
[pm] ::me:: i am lori, a woman of simple needs that has found out that the secret to living is simplicity in emotion and thought, to go with the heart and not the head in matters which concern me the most. I am not afraid to live, or be successful, or fail. I am afraid of not living at all.
[pm] ::me:: thats who i am
[pm] ::Him::