People who message me on IRC and I am not participating much .. the conversation kind goes like this:

PersonX Hi how are you (Hi how are you)
me Fine thanks, you? (i don’t care really, but I am being polite)
PersonX good good (yes, i have nothing else to add)
PersonX hey I am doing [insert activity here]
me sounds great (i think that’s boring, don’t talk to me)
PersonX yeah so.. what did you do today? (let’s try another tact)
me work (work… you know i work)
PersonX so, how is the weekend looking? (i need to find something else to talk about)
me I don’t go out, i work. (moron, what do you think i do?)
PersonX HAHAHAHAH (omg that is so funny you are so smart)
PersonX So I guess it’s busy at work? (c’mon keep talking to me biatch)
me Oh hell yeah! (it’s a call centre, what do you think?)

I guess this is called closed answers. Its a good summary of how some of my conversations go when I am feeling a bit Blah.

I had some coaching by my TL today on some of my calls. Out of 1000 calls he picked five bad ones. Nothing wrong with the content, or the information, just the way I conducted the calls, my tone wasn’t consistent, warm, friendly, preppy and I wasn’t empathic enough with my customers (both call centre consultants and general public), and that chances were more than half my calls would be as bad.

Not sure what hurts more. Being challenged to find a good call, that I balked at the challenge. Understanding then, that by me hesitating, I had then lost confidence in my abilities and perhaps thought maybe he was right and more of my calls sucked and thus, him thinking that he thought I thought “he may be right”. That I couldn’t trust that anything I had done was good. He introduced to me the concept of self doubt, and that is a knock to my confidence.

Last time I had sucky calls to be coached on, the feedback was this is what you did wrong, this is how to fix it, or how do you think you can improve for next time.. and this is what you did good, great call, keep it up. I didn’t walk away from that coaching session feeling like I was a failure.

I felt like defending myself, but they are all excuses. Some possibly legitimate, but I didn’t want to sound like I was begging. I refused to listen to anymore of my calls again with him, as I didn’t want to hear anymore. He asked me why, and I pointed out that he made it clear that they were all bad, and I didn’t need to hear the rest of his criticism. Why? Because I couldn’t take anymore. There’s only so much a person can deal with, and I am only human. No one likes making mistakes or being criticised, but there’s a limit to how much you can listen to before it totally destroys your confidence.

He’d told me I made the same mistake in all the calls, so listening to the rest was pointless. He said he’d taken into account my circumstances, but didn’t say what those had been, I am assuming he’s talking about my hearing issues. Let me just say, that hearing loss in such a quick manner does affect a person’s attitude to work, home life, and general demeanour, but once again, it’s an excuse and not one I am prepared to use in my defence.

I have nothing positive to say really about today, it started off well, I had no nightmares, I had a great training session with someone who was crap two weeks ago, and then this. I’ll be over it tomorrow and back to being cool, emotionless lori. Just add a dash of empathy and I might care enough to make someone’s day, if I don’t have to deal with more shit like tonight.

Staypuff and Robert Corr’s blog, kick and scream have both got expired domain names, whispering loudly no longer talks, and secretflight aka narcissist doesn’t post anymore. I am in dire need of new blogs to read. Tom’s blog just doesnt like me. I signed up for forums as I couldn’t comment on his blog and now!! they don’t work Tom!

I must be looking fat today. I visited mum and dad to get my car fixed before work, and whilst I was having coffee, mum said to me “you’re not looking so slim, are you putting weight on?”. I was a little taken aback by her comment. I’ve lost a huge amount of weight and been stuck on the same weight for a few months and unable to dislodge it.

then she picked on my hair style.

“it’s boring, why don’t you get it cut like this? ” and she brings out these hair magazines. I naysaid everything she pointed out. Is there something wrong with me? Why this sudden need to pick on my looks? WTG mum, I feel so unattractive right now.

I wrote a post a few days ago which is marked private, where I expressed how I feel then, and it mirrors how I feel now. I watched biggest loser tonight. I won’t say it inspired me, but my mum’s attitude today did. I haven’t heard comments from her like that for quite some time and it really upset me. And don’t tell me not to take it to heart.

Tonight’s outing with friends kinda bombed I think and everyone piked. Strangely however, I am not overly disturbed. I’m sitting here drinking coffee, eating toast for dinner, and watching a Freddy Prinze movie and totally relaxing. Mind you, I am also listening to the neighbours fighting out in the carpark. I think they’re moving out and the stress is getting to them.

I met a friend last night I’ve known for a while on IRC. With M, S and R, we all went out to dinner at a nice restaurant in Cannington. O was late, but that was cool, we decided to pretend that we hadn’t eaten and cleaned up the table really well. The Maitre’D joined in on the act, and it was a good icebreaker. We also were joking around … kinda behind his back, about the suburb Mandurah. I commented whilst we were waiting that he had mispronounced the name, calling it Man DUE rah.. and after having a giggle, R suggested that everyone call it man DUE rah whilst talking about what he was doing down there.

S and I were cringing when M and R were using the word alot, but O didn’t pick it up, thank god. He will after this post no doubt. Oh and he told my friends about this blog. Gah. Nothing stays secret forever I guess. I’ve challenged them to find it and if I am lucky, they won’t remember that O said this domain name. Luckily I haven’t said anything nasty about my friends, … i think … *looks around*

Too late if I have. I can’t be bothered changing writing styles or deleting things like the shit i felt about my X. However, even in here, I haven’t discussed it a great deal. I won’t start now.

Overall it was a great night, and I managed to get to sleep eventually and dragged my ass into work and attempted to work. Got an escalated call, she told me stuff, i told her stuff, I have her the TIO number and she hung up on me. Went home, picked up my radio, took it back to work and listened to the Grand Final to hear the Eagles lose.

*bugger*

Procrastination…

I learnt that word from mum when I was very young. She must have known I would take to it like a duck to water. I remember she wrote a saying about Procrastination and stuck it on my desk. Something about never putting off to tomorrow, what could be done today.

I agree, it’s a great motto, but I personally like putting everything off to the last minute and then getting stressed. Well I don’t LIKE it, however since I keep doing it, either I like it; or there was a bit of reverse psychology happening when I was a young child and mum thought she would try and stop me from developing these delaying tactics, however it pushed me towards them.

Things I procrastinate about would include..

I note that all of these things are really personal procrastination techniques. I wonder then could we apply another rating to these delaying tacts.

Laziness!

When am I lazy?

So what do I have to do today that I am putting off?

All of which is a combination of being lazy, enjoying doing nothing, enjoying not going to work today, and putting it all off. However there are some things I can’t put off.

I’ve successfully put off doing anywork now for the last 3 hours. I have 2 hours of sunlight left, so I need to get my ass into gear.

I am not a political pundit, analyst, professional, but I am educated, and take an interest in the world around me. Right now, what I have seen after Mark Latham’s diaries and the fall out from that - I despair that Labor will ever be in office again. The Liberals are very good at dredging up muck and bringing up the past and great at fear campaigns to get the regular Bill and Sheila Aussie voting for them.

People like myself, who vote based on moral and ethical guidelines, on what is right, for the greater social good, and not the more greater economical good are left with nothing as a result of Mark Latham’s diaries. What kind of person is Latham, that he has destroyed his good name. That he let bitterness fester in his heart. What happened to the greater good that we were all fighting for?

It’s not only that Latham has damaged the Labor party for people like me, but for those who are coming up behind. It’s not that he has ripped apart most current politicians. No. He can stand on his own for that. What do people like me do now, when they see a former party leader self destruct in such a public manner. We are lead to ask the question, who voted him in to be the leader of the Labor Party. Why didn’t they see who he was, or how he was like? Those men and women who decided that Latham was a good man to vote for, they trusted him, in turn, people like us trusted him because he was deemed worthy. He was nothing. What did he stand for?

He even said that he never really wanted to be the leader of the Labor Party. Why didn’t he decline the offer in the first place? Why did he do that to us?

How do we know they won’t make that mistake again? How can you judge human behaviour? What happened to make him crack like that? Who did it to him?

What alternative is there now to the fascist right wing party we have in government at the moment?

Contemplate is one of my favourite words. I use it often when writing, since that is what I do.

contemplate v

1: look at thoughtfully; observe deep in thought;
2: consider as a possibility;
3: think intently and at length, as for spiritual purposes; [syn: study, meditate]
4: reflect deeply on a subject

I’ll be going out for coffee later today with my ex,just to get out of the flat, and to avoid the housework that is staring at me. I’ve been listening to Coldplay aswell this afternoon and feeling very mellow.

I’ve been thinking about work. There are many good reasons to stay there at the moment. Possibilities of new activities for the business. New areas to learn about and develop in. The people I work for and with are still great. There are aswell reasons to leave. I’d rather not mention those, but money is not one of the factors. I also have friends that work for a rival company that would want me joining them. However, I think for the moment I will stay where I am, and just vent my frustration this way.

I am not unhappy at work. Just discontented because it seems like it will never end. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last night I was talking to friends about some of the dumb things I have done when I was young and reckless. Some of the things they have done were really funny. Like one of them rolled down a hill in a wheelchair and crashed in front of a group of people, and got up and walked away.. reminded me of the wheelchair man in that ABC show, Little Britain.

So I thought about all the stuff I have done, and I realised some of these were illegal - but when you’re a teenager and out to have fun, you don’t think about the consequences.

So, I know that if i have kids, they are going to do similar things. I can’t stop them from doing that. I was a good girl, didn’t break the rules or curfew that my parents set, but when there was a group of teenagers out to have a good time, common sense goes out the window and your IQ falls when you’re in a group. I must learn to remember this for any future teenage children that I have, and tell them my stories of being stupid, and that I was lucky I wasn’t caught, and that I know how lucky I was to not have caused an accident, or had an accident.