who said I was rational?
I am unable to articulate how I feel when close friends insist on talking to people that I have an extreme dislike for. What bugs me, I guess is that I am not equipped to deal with these situations. I feel totally irrational. I am feeling like running to JJ and saying, slap me and tell me to get over it.
I think too much. I over analyse, it is my weakness. Before my best fault in job interviews was being a perfectionist, but everyone uses that these days. Now I know what it really is. I think too much. I spent years thinking about leaving X, planning it out and 2 years later, breaking it off. I spent a year practising eating and not gaining weight before I started my weight loss program. I spend weeks agonising over job applications, fearing the committment that each job will require me to take.
It’s why I am taking my trip. To be spontaneous, to have it unplanned, to just think in the short term, make decisions quickly and move on. Life decisions, decisions that affect my happiness, my future.
things happen where i find myself unable to cope with the information that comes at me, the emotions, the thoughts, and somehow I bottle it all up, put it in a box and put it away somewhere else. I did that with X. I did that with one of my work places. Once after I found things in my old room I shared with X, I had a panic attack. I blocked the door shut, and lay down on the floor with only the heater as light, and trying not to die. I know that I have this extreme emotions that can lurk beneath the surface. I suppress them.
This really makes me wonder if people would trust me if they knew how fragile I feel. I really do feel broken in so many ways. I want someone to hold out their arms to me and tell me it’s ok, they understand, and it will be all OK. I feel like saying to people at work, don’t talk to me, I’m a fraud.
March 1st, 2006 at 11:50 pm
You’ve got an interesting view on what a fraud is. Perhaps you hide it from everyone else, perhaps you even try to hide it from yourself….but at least you admit it, once in a rare while.
No, you’re not a fraud…you just haven’t figured out yet how to cope.
There’s no shame in that. Especially since you’re doing something about it now.
March 2nd, 2006 at 2:15 am
I do hide alot from others. Including X. I am a master of looking like therés nothing wrong. I don’t talk whne I am unhappy that’s about the only sign.. pretty big one but alot of ppl haven’t clued into yet.