ok

final post of the day unless there is something else that comes up.

I have been going to the gym this week and been enjoying it, but I pushed it a bit the other day and ended up with sore legs and arms the next day feeling like i had alot of lactic acid in the muscle. So I purchased a fit ball.. it’s kinda cool and I have started using it for those non gym days.

My car nearly bit the big one today. speaking of which i need to go put oil in it. brb.OK back and I spoke to dad and itt’s not looking too good. The word head gasket and gone sprung into the conversation, so I will need to see if the water is leaking into the oil… fuck fuck fuck. I don’t need this right now.  I’ll check tomorrow and then go drag the car up to mum and dad’s for him to look at.

I am doing some relief work where I am forced to get up at 4am in the morning and be at work at 6am. Then I have to smile, fix people’s problems, listen to calls, give them feedback, and there’s just so much to do and not enough time to do it in. If I let myself get behind then I will never catch up.

I have had to do a session with someone i  don’t get on well with at work. It was very interesting from the point of view that I needed to establish some credentials with him. Why I am where I am and the kind of work I have had to do to get there. In the end it seems like he has realised that I am working very hard and can see what the effort that I have put in.

Also my hearing is getting worse. This is concerning me alot. I need to go to the doctors and get a referral to an ENT. Otherwise .. permanent loss of hearing and that fucks up any career I may have when working in a call centre. The ear aches are starting again, and the ringing noises in my ears were getting progressively louder. Now that I have had a week off the phone, the ringing is dropping off a bit.

I have more early starts coming up then back on lates. Yay for me.

I went out last night with friends and experienced one of those moments that you have on TV. One of my friends was complaining about a sore neck, and asked another friend if there was a better technique for giving head. I think that’s what was said, by that time when I realised what was being said, I decided to tune out. I didn’t have a lot to say on the subject since I am single and haven’t touched a man in years.

I did notice that the people next to us kept staring as we talked about periods, sex, condoms, and the pill and why Depo-Provera (unsure of the spelling) can be bad. I quite like having my periods but apparently it stops periods in women who take it. I felt like I was in a sex and the city episode. Not that I am Carrie or anything but probably my friend was Sam and I am that innocent brunette chick.

Today I went out with another friend from work, JJ, who rang me from someone else’s house… a male friend. When she rocked up at the cinema we decided not to do the movie thing, but to go window shopping, get food and coffee and gossip. Seems like she struck it lucky with a friend of hers… so she can be Carrie. I’m still stuck in a in between spot with MM.

I told my friends last night about MM a bit… just that I had met someone. Now my friends have decided that his nickname is Mr Lumpa Lumpa. There’s a full circle with my friends… when we all met I was the only one in a relationship. Now they are all in relationships and I am single. They talk about my love life and lack of it, instead of us talking about someone else’s who was single. So I told them that if Mr Lumpa Lumpa and I worked out, I’d talk about him more. Till then, I ignored everything they asked.

This reminded me of IRC.

I think we all need to just build a bridge.

Who wants a blogfight?! I’m up for it!

I had a customer call today asking about why his downloads were timing out. I asked him a few questions like..

1. What is your ADSL speed?
2. How big is the file?
3. What type of file is it?
4. What are you downloading with?

So he gives his speed - not THAT fast - but faster than a modem.. the next 3 responses to these questions left me gobsmacked..

600megs, linux distro, firefox from a website in Australia
*blink*blink*
So that’s from a website in Australia? What website’s that?

“ahhhmm anpu2…mumble”

Sure.. no problems let me just put you on hold whilst I ask some of the guys.. I’m not a guru when it comes to linux type files..

bwahahaha suuure it’s a linux distro!

*takes him off hold*

Try these programs to speed up your downloads, a web browser isn’t the best method to download large files and perhaps use an FTP program instead! Thanks for calling. 

I think we should remove the shame - own your p0rn downloads! Give us ISP call centre  weenies some laughs. Next time I wanna hear a response like “I’m downloading Debbie Does Dallas 69, and the fucker keeps timing out” If anyone can do that, I wanna hear about it.

You know.. I tried to stay with X after I found out he was TS. Very hard. It just wasn’t going to work I guess because I couldn’t get past the deceit. It wasn’t his fault in many ways, but it was aswell. I joined a forum which has helped me deal with alot of issues, but there aren’t alot of women around who left their SO’s after they found out.

We are staying together. We still honor and cherish our marriage. It was a bumpy ride. …………….. But I couldn’t abandon him, and I couldn’t stop loving him, even though I desperately wanted to.

That’s a quote from someone on the board. That makes me feel like a fraud. Like I am the bad person for choosing life over what could have been for me a pathway to death. I waited for him to start building a support network, we broke up and he did counselling, and before I moved out, I waited till I knew that he had made more friends, and told some of our existing friends so that he had a support network. I waited till I felt he was strong enough, and I was strong enough, to tell him I had enough and I was going to leave.

I felt so much guilt for abandoning the man/person who for a significant portion of my life, was the love of my life. That I couldn’t accept him for who he was, but you know, from the moment I found out, to when I left, the only happy moment I remember was my 30th birthday where he took me and friends out in a limo ride around the city and we had dinner at Indiana Teahouse, and we had a ball. So in 4 years, one night of being happy? The rest of the time it was crap. I struggled with my decision on so many levels, and when I read stuff like that, I just feel like I am the bad person.

I am unable to articulate how I feel when close friends insist on talking to people that I have an extreme dislike for. What bugs me, I guess is that I am not equipped to deal with these situations. I feel totally irrational. I am feeling like running to JJ and saying, slap me and tell me to get over it.

I think too much. I over analyse, it is my weakness. Before my best fault in job interviews was being a perfectionist, but everyone uses that these days. Now I know what it really is. I think too much. I spent years thinking about leaving X, planning it out and 2 years later, breaking it off. I spent a year practising eating and not gaining weight before I started my weight loss program. I spend weeks agonising over job applications, fearing the committment that each job will require me to take.

It’s why I am taking my trip. To be spontaneous, to have it unplanned, to just think in the short term, make decisions quickly and move on. Life decisions, decisions that affect my happiness, my future.

things happen where i find myself unable to cope with the information that comes at me, the emotions, the thoughts, and somehow I bottle it all up, put it in a box and put it away somewhere else. I did that with X. I did that with one of my work places. Once after I found things in my old room I shared with X, I had a panic attack. I blocked the door shut, and lay down on the floor with only the heater as light, and trying not to die. I know that I have this extreme emotions that can lurk beneath the surface. I suppress them.

This really makes me wonder if people would trust me if they knew how fragile I feel. I really do feel broken in so many ways. I want someone to hold out their arms to me and tell me it’s ok, they understand, and it will be all OK. I feel like saying to people at work, don’t talk to me, I’m a fraud.

I don’t understand people who lock their blogs up. I’ve removed some posts from public view, but never actually locked up my blog. I was checking out one of the blogs on my list and came across this:Access to this journal is limited to those people who are on the owner’s list of favorites.

If you would like to be added to censoredfortheirownprotection’s list of favorites, why not send censoredfortheirownprotection a private message?

If i wanted to be part of an exclusive club I would have signed up on it, but I kinda think it sucks. I’ve asked for access to a couple of blogs who are locked, but - here’s the thing, I was reading this woman’s blog regularly, she knew I was, and I am not on her list of favourite people so I get excluded? Lame.

I think my E-blog feelings are offended.