I am less inclined these days to leave personal posts about my feelings etc than I was when I was younger. Mainly I don’t wish to be so emo - it is such the rage these days, and I think personal posts can make people who do end up reading them feel like they are intruding. This is my space though, for my thoughts, and at times, I will write posts, so intensely personal I will mark them off as private, only so that I can read them later, and laugh at myself. However I need to record the effect that an enforced absence is having on me.

MM has not been at home for the last week, there has been a death in his family. I am not able to be there to give him support whilst he looks after the family members who have been affected by this tragedy. It has made me understand however, the inevitability of death, and it won’t matter how healthy you are, if it is your time to die, you are going to die. I have also raged at the unfairness of being in a long distance relationship when the man I care for so deeply is so far away.

A proverb springs to mind as I now sit at home with my parent’s cutting down on my expenses as I save up for my move.

“It is often darkest just before dawn”

This is the last stretch before I am able to pack up and leave to be with MM. Emotionally, I have been fragile and my need to be with MM increases. I am constantly swinging from excited to angry as I deal with the fact, that I am still not there yet, and I feel that it is going to take too long. I want to be there with him so we can celebrate my birthday together. I am running out of time. I know if I don’t make it, it won’t be the worst thing in the world to happen, but He needs me, and I need him.

I never thought that I would feel this way about someone. I never felt this way about X. I know this to the bottom of my heart. I don’t want to waste another moment longer than I have to being apart from MM. I will leave this post public, I don’t want to hide it. I want random strangers reading to know that I have found something very special, and not going to let it (or him) go.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 9th, 2007 at 12:20 pm and is filed under Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.